Waiting for a sign…

So, just what is my purpose in the grand scheme of things? I have to admit, most of the time I’m not sure. Does this make me a bad Christian? No. At the very least, it makes me human.

When I became a Christian two years ago, I truly believed God had a purpose for me, and that he would enlighten me as time went by. I had to be patient, wait for the seasons to change, endure, hope. I’ve done that every day. Some days my faith is stronger than others. But it never fails me. My commitment is rock steady.

I thought, perhaps I have a purpose in my music and writing – I compose songs devoted to my God, and I have found my true self in my stories, poems and other writings. But even with these, I’m still not sure if I have my purpose. Being a full time student, I haven’t got a real job, and while I don’t believe that a job means purpose by any means, my previous working existence strongly equated purpose with contributing in a meaningful way through work. I’ve been feeling guilty because I’m not working. But then, I feel guilty about a lot of things.

My pastor spoke at church yesterday about fear preventing us from walking more closely with God (the process of sanctification). And I do let fear control my life. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I have all sorts of fears controlling me. With regular therapy I’m learning to let them go. But not having a purpose, a real meaning to my life, is perhaps one of my greatest fears.

Am I crazy to think this? Probably not. I’m sure I’m not the only Christian to wonder about their role in the big picture.

I guess I’m waiting for a sign from the big guy upstairs. The problem is that I don’t know what the sign will be, or even if there will be one. And if there is one, will I recognise it (sounds familiar – I have the same problem with women).

I believe in faith, love, and ever-enduring hope. Maybe I’ll discover my purpose soon. I sincerely hope so.

Published by stevestillstanding

I’m a writer who loves tabletop role playing games, poetry and (you guessed it) writing. Occasionally I have something to say...

5 thoughts on “Waiting for a sign…

  1. Your comment “But then, I feel guilty about a lot of things.” struck a chord with me, as I am sure yesterday I read in my uni reading that kind of think makes a good personal essayist. Who knew there was such a thing. Apparently George Orwell was a better essayist than novelist, but you can tell that from the reading we did last SP. So I am doing a personal essay this SP as they like people who can admit their flaws not put on a brave front, as in not aways hiding the bad things and turning things on it’s head. This is in CWR110.

    I worry the pastor clashes with the theory that helped my mental health, that less is more. At the time I thought the doctor would have answers for me, or the internet. Or there is no such thing as a free lunch.

    I went to a pentecostal church and some of the things that were said to me apparently by divine relelation seem more fitted to my life now than back then, so I have had to wait awhile, like 30 years. Uni seems to fit some kind of purpose for me, will have to keep going to see. It just seems to fit what I have done in the past, but maybe that is the wrong things to be doing who knows.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Linda,

      I think everyone finds their way in the end. It’s just a long and bumpy road to get there.

      My personal fears have held me back in life for a long time, so therapy has been wonderful in that regard.

      Best of luck with cwr110.




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: