The Perils of Christian Dating (or “ask questions first and shoot after you’re married”)

(Alpha Girl reclines on the lounge and eyes me venomously. “So when are you going to get out and meet someone? I know it’s hard, you being a loser and all, but other people do it.”

Beta Max thumbs his Xbox controller and nods. “She’s right you know. You’ve been a hermit for too long, man.”

Through artful manipulation of multiple controller buttons I eliminate his on screen avatar, turn and smile at them both. “I’ll have you know that I’ve thought about that. I’m writing a blog about it later.”

Alpha Girl rolls her eyes. “Now you’ve started that blog you’re in the house even more than you were before. If you get out and meet a girl maybe you could move out. Or get a job. Or both.”

“Yeah,” says Beta Max. “Don’t forget to come over and play me on Xbox, though.”)

 

Two years ago I broke up with my wife. Around the same time I resigned my job of twenty plus years. It was more than a mid-life crisis – really a case of kicking myself in the balls for an extended period of time. Since then I’ve done a lot of soul searching, complemented by much self-loathing and despair. Aside from a good dose of psychological therapy, I also found comfort in God. I became a Christian, found a great church run by a good friend, and started getting my crappy life back together.

It’s been about ten years since I’ve been on a date with anyone other than my wife. I find that I’m struggling to work out how to do it, especially in light of my new found status.

I’ll lay it out for you: I’m mid-forties, fighting fit with a great gym bod (so I’m told), I’m reasonably good looking, reasonably smart, reasonably lovable, have no home, no possessions and little money (those last ones hurt), and have Christian values, so sex before marriage is off the table.

 

(“I thought your blog was to improve your writing,” cries Alpha Girl from the kitchen. “It’s just an excuse to meet women.”

“Whoa,” I reply. “That is not the reason – I’m providing context.”

Her head appears around the door. “And you thought I couldn’t get a rise out of you.”

Touche.)

 

So how do older Christians find someone to date? I guess I could meet someone at my local church. The ladies there are lovely, however all of them are either 1) too old, 2) too married or 3) both.

I spoke to a charming woman who told me a long story about meeting her husband via a Christian online dating service. Now I dabbled in online dating a few years back when my girlfriend (who later became my wife) and I split up briefly. It was a pretty depressing affair that sent me running back to her to propose (details? I went out with thirteen women in three months and none of them were a patch on her).

I can’t really hang out in clubs anymore because the average age of club goers appears to have dropped to that of teeny boppers, making me feel like a freaky old grandpa stuck in a literal twilight zone.

There’s another problem. Possibly the biggest (not that – get your mind out of the gutter).

I cannot read the signals that women give off. You know what I mean – when someone is interested in you they give you a few subtle signs and whammo, you know they like you. I am completely unable to spot these signals. Example: I remember a party some time ago where I sung an impromptu duet with a gorgeous girl. She told me how cute I was and I told her what a great singing voice she had. It wasn’t until after she split that I realised the error of my ways.

 

(“You pick up on my signals easily enough,” says Alpha Girl.

“Contemptuous disdain is one I can’t miss,” I reply. “Oh, a tautology. I’ll need to write that one down.”)

 

This has never really been a problem for me in the past. The women I’ve gone out with have expressed themselves in no uncertain terms (that is, hit me over the head with a pile driver and literally jumped me on the spot). This is what I like to call the “shoot first, ask questions later” approach.

Of course, being a Christian complicates things a bit. Since we’re going to get to know each other first (the “ask questions” component), and we’re not going to actually do the “shooting” bit, I have to learn how to interpret the signals to know if a woman likes me.

Having been blind to these signals for so long I’m concerned that I’m going to miss the love of my life unless she has a blazing neon sign attached to her head saying “It’s me!” In fact, I’m a bit worried I may have met her already and never recognised her because she didn’t have that aforementioned flashing sign on her.

So I’m praying for some pretty big signs. And a pair of big eyes so I can see properly.

And an eventual cure for my semi-patented disability.

And a woman who recognises the love in my heart. A woman who doesn’t care about a big bank account – and no, that is not a euphemism.

Here’s hoping.

 

(“I think I’m going to vomit,” says Alpha Girl.

“Didn’t like the sentimentality in that last line?” I say.

“No. I just don’t like you.”)

11 thoughts on “The Perils of Christian Dating (or “ask questions first and shoot after you’re married”)

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  1. Your situation sounds similar to mine Steve. I was out walking in a forest exactly two years ago when God spoke to me and asked me to become celibate. It really was like the movies in that I was struck by a ray of sunlight and then heard this voice with its request in my head. Fast forward two years and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Sex complicates things so much and because we’re so busy thinking about all of that, we miss out on other much more important things. NOW I know I will not give up my vow unless it’s for someone really special and there have been a lot of offers but my promise to myself and God mean the world to me. I hope this helps you. Hang in there because there is someone for everyone and in the meantime, we get time alone to really get our stuff sorted out so that we are ready when they appear. Cheers, Linda

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi Linda

      Thank you so much for your support.

      Celibacy is often frowned upon by those people who don’t understand our commitment. I’m glad that you are happy and know that you will find your true love. It’s all part of God’s plan.

      Cheers

      Steve

      Like

  2. I used to wonder how I would go if I was widowed, as I had the same values. When I say had, joining facebook became a challenge to some people and I fell for some things. Very long story now, and living in a small town didn’t help either.

    Prior to that I was a big fan of Christian romance novels.

    You might be surprised that sex sites do articles, well one that I have seen, that despite how men are, they still only accept that a woman has had sex with one partner, more than one and they are suss.

    Another worldly person Christian Carter is a dating expert and he says it is impossible for a man to fall in love with a woman, well unlikely, that he has had sex with first then tried to get to know them later, if he bothered I guess. So these coaches try to tell women why they have their heart broken. He has an e-book called Catch Him and Keep Him.

    Steve a pentecostal church with lots of younger people in it? Your church sounds lovely though.

    I met my husband when he was separated, in church. He was in his 30s and we started off owing money for the property settlement, just a little bit. We have been married 32 years. He was my first re sex, a bit rushed though.

    The truth is with me that I relate to men and they only talk to you if sex is somewhere possible in their mind, some even though you state they aren’t getting any they hold out hope. I am not into girls coffee, I am in no way bi. The town I am in have very bitchy women in it that have made it hard to join in, well I did, the stunts they pulled were weird. But anyway, no excuse.

    What really irks me is those that put asexuality in the list with gay and transgender, as a community. So weird. My son lives without sex, people have been known to, yet their are some that think this isn’t an option.

    Yes I hear you about signs. As a teen I was a good girl and enjoyed this guys company, I tend to behave really well around guys I like, like the model person. But with guys this doesn’t work. Maybe it did help me not get stuck with a cheating loser, I have no idea. Actually that one is a nice guy but still a little shady that way.

    I have two friends around the 53 mark, or three now, single no home of their own, all have happy endings over the time I have been on facebook. One, actually another I know too, got a job, one bought a house and then got a relationship, anyway you get the picture.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Linda

    You’ve raised a lot of good points there. I am always hopeful about how things will turn out. I think we all have doubts about things every once in a while, but it is that hope that keeps me going, as it should all people.

    In the end it’s your real friends, the ones that truly love and support you, rather than your Facebook friends or acquaintances, that make a difference.

    Thanks for your kind words 🙂

    Take care

    Steve

    Like

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