I’ve just found out (well not really just, but almost just) I’ve been nominated for the ‘Awesome Blogger Award’ by outrightallie. Outrightallie’s blog is awesome, and I’d nominate her back, but she already has been, and if I did so again she might get stuck in a reality-distorting and paradoxical blog award feedback loop. Or not.

This was quite a surprise, as I didn’t think anyone actually read my blog (yes, I have a few followers, but I just thought those likes were ‘courtesy’ likes – you know, like on Facebook, or as I like to call it Fakebook–when you have friends who aren’t really friends, who like your post even though they have no idea who you are or what you’re talking about. I don’t do Fakebook anymore, except to promote this blog. Could be because I don’t have any real or fake friends…). What I will say is that I started this thing a few months ago to push myself to write every day, and so far, I’ve managed to generate a whole lot of crap (a reverse-adage: quantity over quality). Okay, it’s not all crap—some of it is decent. Sort of.

So that’s a rambling way of saying thank you outrightallie for the nomination, which you can find over here (enticing clickbait).

So, who created this award?

It was created by Miss Maggie over at Dreaming of Guatemala. This is a direct quote from her blog about it:

 “This is an award for the absolutely wonderful writers all across the blogging world. They have beautiful blogs, are kind and lovely, and always find a way to add happiness and laughter to the lives of their readers. That is what truly defines an awesome blogger.”

Here are The Rules:

• Thank the person who nominated you.
• Include the reason behind the award.
• Include the banner in your post.
• Tag it under #awesomebloggeraward in the Reader.
• Answer the questions your nominator gave you.
• Nominate at least 5 awesome bloggers.
• Give your nominees 10 new questions to answer.
• Let your nominees know that they’ve been nominated!

Following are the questions outrightallie posed for me to answer. I hate answering questions. I like the aura of mystery. Actually, it’s because I’m afraid my life is not very interesting and if people find this out they may read my blog even less than they already do. I will answer because my social skills (as you may have noticed) need some work and this is good practice.

Who do you look up to?

My best mate is a pastor at the local church. He is a keen surfer and is a down-to-earth optimist, who I only found out recently is an introvert. This is surprising as I have known him since kindergarten and assumed he was an extrovert. I guess I wasn’t actually paying much attention all those years. Could be because of my terrible social skills.

What do you want to accomplish in the future?

I want to meet the woman of my dreams, fall in love and have a complication-filled life bordering on wonderful. Failing that I want to be able to live in a place where I can own a dog who will love me unconditionally despite my obvious lack of social skills.

Oh, and finish my novel and become a published author. Not self-publishing. I seek legitimacy through multinational-corporate publishing houses that care nothing for the reader or the author, and in so doing I’ll receive a huge advance that will never be recouped as my book will lapse into obscurity in the first month of sales, become remaindered and sit on my shelf as a reminder of my failure as a writer. Or something like that.

If you have 1 million dollars, what will you do with it?

If I were a narcissistic drug-user I would say “lots of ice”, but as I’m not: I’d buy myself a nice house (where I could own a socially awkward dog that matches my personality), donate much to charities (did I just write that to make myself sound noble or do I really feel that way? Guess you’ll never know…), buy a better car (I own a bomb that gets me from A to B, in attempted style, if coughing and spluttering were in style) and self-publish my novel (didn’t I just say I wouldn’t do that? Yes, but if I had a million bucks, who cares?).

I guess I’d settle back and make music and write every day. Oh, that’s what I do already. But without the million dollars.

Are you a traveller who looks for budget or luxury on your holidays?

I’m a mature-age student eating up his minimal life savings with ongoing limited income who wishes he could travel. Big sigh. As you can see, I’m quite the catch. And that’s not counting my numerous mental health issues, hang ups and years of emotional baggage.

Of course, that’ll all change when I’m a famous author. Or singer. Or millionaire (see previous question).

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

I’d like to change the laws of physics and thermodynamics so superheroes are possible. And become one. Nothing major, just an infinitely powerful goody-goody type.

Oh, and world peace (but did I say that because it’s expected of me or because, as a superhero, I would eliminate all nuclear weapons and become absolute dictator? Hopefully, you’ll never find out…).

If you could offer a new-born child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

I know you love Christmas, but Santa is just your parents buying and hiding presents and lying to you for the first decade of your life. That’s your first life lesson. Trust no one. Especially anyone who teaches life lessons based on Santa Claus.

Oh, you said new-born. I guess my advice would really be: “Coochie, coochie, coo.”

What are you most grateful for?

My teenage son, who, despite his rampant disrespect and failure to listen to any of my ever-wonderful and incredibly wise life advice, is the best thing that ever happened to me.

It’s possible he doesn’t listen to me because of that discussion we had about Santa Claus.

What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?

Learning all the swear words (including that really bad one) in kindergarten. Before that I never realised they existed, as my parents and friends didn’t curse.

My foul language has been the only constant in a world full of uncertainty.

If today was the end of the world, what would you do?

Become a narcissist, smoke loads of ice and nominate every blogger in the world for this award. No, not really. I guess I’d complain to anyone who’d listen that “I was only two weeks from retirement”.

If you knew you were going to die one year from today, what would you do and how would you want to be remembered?

Okay, let’s get serious.

I’d steal a million dollars (see earlier question), build a shrine to foul language on a hill overlooking the capital, hitchhike around the country accepting lifts only from people riding scooters, create a website with only one word on it (“What?”), try and read War and Peace in one non-stop, caffeine-fuelled sitting, watch every season of South Park, write a new version of Genesis for the Bible incorporating the latest cosmology and dark matter theory (subject to the okay from the Big Guy, of course), teach guitar to fifty chimpanzees and see if they can compose a Led Zeppelin-inspired guitar orchestra piece (the musical equivalent of Hamlet, say), and tell my Mum, Dad and son how much I love them. That last one I don’t do enough of.

I guess I’d want to be remembered for the good things, and not the stupid screw ups I’ve made over the years. Like this Q&A, for example.

Nominations and Questions to Answer

Here are some cool blogs I’m nominating. Further below are my questions for them to answer.

• Nicolesundays – https://nicolesundays.wordpress.com/ (I am actually envious of how funny this girl is. My witicisms are but a pale shadow of her humourosity. That’s a genuine word I just created.)
• Message in Stanza – https://messageinstanza.wordpress.com/ (I’m sure she would like this award nom. If not, she can write me and complain.)
• SerotoninVoid – https://serotoninvoid.wordpress.com/ (I know we’re supposed to nominate happy blogs, but happy is not really my thing. I like what I like.)
• Flash-365 – https://flash-365.com/ (I don’t know if he does awards, but he should. His flash fiction is awesome.)
• Mindfump – https://mindfump.com/ (I don’t know if Mindfump does awards either; when I visited his site today my browser crashed. But if you do get there, it’s a great blog.)

And now, the awe-inspiring questions:

1. Why did you start writing? Was poverty a preferred life choice? And if you have money, don’t brag— it’s unbecoming.
2. If you could work in a trade, would you prefer to be an electrician or a plumber? Instead of a writer, I mean.
3. What was the last book you truly hated? And how did you inform people it was bad? Are you the sort who quietly smoulders, or the ‘shout it from the rooftops’ kind?
4. If you had a time machine, which evil dictator would you hunt down and exterminate?
5. Now that you’ve changed history with your irresponsible actions, what exactly has come to pass? And will you need to change it back?
6. If you had to pass a urine test, would you substitute someone else’s? If so, whose and why? What exactly have you got to hide?
7. Have you ever played a tabletop role-playing game? Do you even know what a tabletop role-playing game is (hint: it’s not sexual)? If not, just pretend you do, without checking wikipedia, and make up an answer.
8. If you could invite three horrible people to dinner, who would they be? The dinner’s not for you, it’s for your arch-nemesis.
9. Who is your arch-nemesis, and why would you subject them to such a horrible dinner? Have you no shame? Who really has an arch-nemesis, anyway?
10. If you had a choice between world peace and world peach, would you assume it was a spelling error or would you choose ‘world peach’ because you were trying to be cool and didn’t want people to think you weren’t hip to the new terms the kids use nowadays? You must answer in the form of a Haiku (a 5/7/5 syllable Japanese poem. But you knew that already, didn’t you?)

I think this was the longest blog I have ever written. A lot of work. I have uni assignments due tomorrow, y’know.

And yes, my spelling is English, not American, so stop picking.