Some days I just feel down.
It’s part of who I am, part of the depression I suffer. I can’t get motivated, it’s difficult to think straight, everything just seems too hard. It’s as if the weight of gravity has increased and I’m just too weak to get up.
There’s no particular reason for why it happens. It can be triggered by a bad night’s sleep, the weather, a sad song, thinking about my non-existent love life. Sometimes, nothing at all.
It’s like my brain wants to stifle me. If it could, that gelatinous mass of neural tissue would creep out of my skull, grab a pillow and start smothering. “And that’s for all those times you subjected me to King of Queens,” it would scream.
Today is one of those days. I’m trying to catch up on my Uni readings, and I just don’t have the motivation or care factor. Part of my brain is saying “I need to do this, now”, and the other part is saying “wouldn’t you rather just sleep? Life is a pain anyway.” I need to post some discussion threads as part of my unit, but I can’t do it. I feel exhausted, even though today is no more strenuous than yesterday.
It would be nice if I could pop a happy pill and everything would be fixed, but I’m already on medication and I don’t do recreational drugs.
So what’s the fix? Sometimes I try to read, and if that doesn’t work, I watch a movie or a comedy series to get my mind off…well, me. Sometimes I try to write. Like this post. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I need to ring up and book an earlier psychologist appointment (my next one is in March), but I can’t pick up the phone. It’s just too hard. And I don’t want to experience the receptionist’s rejection: “I’m sorry, but there are no earlier appointments, she’s all booked up. And even if we did have an opening you’re the last person we would give it to.”
Maybe I should go out, but what would that achieve? I’d be surrounded by people who don’t know me, don’t care if I live or die. I’d just get more down.
I know it will pass, eventually. I wouldn’t be alive if it didn’t.
Suddenly, the phone rings, and it’s my psychologist’s receptionist, advising that there have been cancellations on Friday, and asking would I like an appointment! God continues to smile on me. I take the appointment. I’m feeling a little better. I’m realising that sometimes, no matter how down you are, some things just happen (I’m thanking the good Lord as I type this).
If only that were the case every time I was having a down day.
Beyond Blue – About depression
Mindspot – Online depression testing
Sane – What is depression?
MindHealthConnect – Depression – symptoms and treatment